Processing Fears When They Rear Their Ugly Heads
The gravity of the situation, the weight, the seriousness, it just never really hit me. I did what I had to do. I pushed through and tried to keep a level head and focus on the One who isn't me. We are weak but He is strong...
I believed that everything I was facing or about to face would all be worth it. It'd turn out okay. Everything happened so quickly that it just sort of... happened to me. Little did I notice that anything I ever liked about myself or prided myself in was ripped away one by one. My body, my strength, my clarity of thought, my husband's attraction to me, my security. There was something worse though. I had lost a piece of my trust in my Father. For me, these emotions of distrust are unwise, weak, and deserve to be thrown into the deep dark dungeon of denial hidden someplace so secret within me that I don't even know where it is or who holds the key.
I guess I always thought becoming a mother would be so effortless and empowering. Dreaming of motherhood was something I've done since I was five-years-old. It should've come easy. It just should have.
I'm not the type that questions "why me?" The girl that needs answers, that's just not me. This was never my battle. My best guess is Holy Spirit holds that key to my dungeon of denial and my lips just have to twist his wrist and all my fears will be unleashed on me. This is my battle. Ignoring the battle, and processing some things long after I should.
We drove home on a dark Wednesday night. The subject of "someday more kids" comes up as it does with married ones, and he shared his excitement. Before I could control it, "I'm not excited," left my body. My mom-made, meant-to-create body. How could this be? I can't say that. Tears welled and the road became cloudy. I knew I was scared but this scared? No. I didn't take time to realize that.
I'll never understand the timing of things. All that matters is that they happen. You can't control when or how and in the end we have to be okay with that.
I cried. He said it's okay, but what was happening on the inside, only I could know.
Within 10 minutes, peace drove out uneasiness like a brave knight rescuing the kingdom. It hit me how much I felt like I lost during my pregnancy almost two years ago, experiencing pre-eclampsia and leaving my newborn treasure night after night in the hospital for weeks when all I wanted was to take him to his real home. His home was with me. Wherever I am, he should be there because I'm his mom. Unknown forces required otherwise and I just accepted it and accepted it all was happening to me.
Fear can be sneaky. Fear can reside without notice. It can shift the way you see the future, allowing you only to focus on what you think you'll face. Fear is never in touch with the reality that we are unknowing and it never shows us the bigger picture. Fear likes to make us think we are okay as long as its around to maneuver life for us. That's a trick. A trick is a lie, and living with a lie is not living.
We have to face the scary stuff and cling to peace even if we don't understand why it takes so long to show up or how it even got there. God is the only giver of true peace.
We want something that feels good or makes sense to us to provide us a peace with our worries, anxieties, fears, what have you. Stop waiting for things to make sense and start grasping the supernatural.
God's love is a force. It has so many qualities and facets, but you can't pick and choose which ones impact your life. Walk open to all of it.
Yes, its grace, and patience, and kindness. But it is also power. Power that isn't in our control and isn't boxed by our understanding. Accepting the scary things will just always be is one thing, but accepting they will always influence our lives is another. Do not live in the influence of debilitating emotions when you have access to the power of Love.
I close my eyes in the midst of life's storms, and know that Jesus is master of the waves, and arms outstretched He calls "Be still." That power will always be greater than my dungeons.
Sincerely, Mummy Miser
I believed that everything I was facing or about to face would all be worth it. It'd turn out okay. Everything happened so quickly that it just sort of... happened to me. Little did I notice that anything I ever liked about myself or prided myself in was ripped away one by one. My body, my strength, my clarity of thought, my husband's attraction to me, my security. There was something worse though. I had lost a piece of my trust in my Father. For me, these emotions of distrust are unwise, weak, and deserve to be thrown into the deep dark dungeon of denial hidden someplace so secret within me that I don't even know where it is or who holds the key.
I guess I always thought becoming a mother would be so effortless and empowering. Dreaming of motherhood was something I've done since I was five-years-old. It should've come easy. It just should have.
I'm not the type that questions "why me?" The girl that needs answers, that's just not me. This was never my battle. My best guess is Holy Spirit holds that key to my dungeon of denial and my lips just have to twist his wrist and all my fears will be unleashed on me. This is my battle. Ignoring the battle, and processing some things long after I should.
We drove home on a dark Wednesday night. The subject of "someday more kids" comes up as it does with married ones, and he shared his excitement. Before I could control it, "I'm not excited," left my body. My mom-made, meant-to-create body. How could this be? I can't say that. Tears welled and the road became cloudy. I knew I was scared but this scared? No. I didn't take time to realize that.
I'll never understand the timing of things. All that matters is that they happen. You can't control when or how and in the end we have to be okay with that.
I cried. He said it's okay, but what was happening on the inside, only I could know.
Within 10 minutes, peace drove out uneasiness like a brave knight rescuing the kingdom. It hit me how much I felt like I lost during my pregnancy almost two years ago, experiencing pre-eclampsia and leaving my newborn treasure night after night in the hospital for weeks when all I wanted was to take him to his real home. His home was with me. Wherever I am, he should be there because I'm his mom. Unknown forces required otherwise and I just accepted it and accepted it all was happening to me.
Fear can be sneaky. Fear can reside without notice. It can shift the way you see the future, allowing you only to focus on what you think you'll face. Fear is never in touch with the reality that we are unknowing and it never shows us the bigger picture. Fear likes to make us think we are okay as long as its around to maneuver life for us. That's a trick. A trick is a lie, and living with a lie is not living.
We have to face the scary stuff and cling to peace even if we don't understand why it takes so long to show up or how it even got there. God is the only giver of true peace.
We want something that feels good or makes sense to us to provide us a peace with our worries, anxieties, fears, what have you. Stop waiting for things to make sense and start grasping the supernatural.
God's love is a force. It has so many qualities and facets, but you can't pick and choose which ones impact your life. Walk open to all of it.
Yes, its grace, and patience, and kindness. But it is also power. Power that isn't in our control and isn't boxed by our understanding. Accepting the scary things will just always be is one thing, but accepting they will always influence our lives is another. Do not live in the influence of debilitating emotions when you have access to the power of Love.
I close my eyes in the midst of life's storms, and know that Jesus is master of the waves, and arms outstretched He calls "Be still." That power will always be greater than my dungeons.
Sincerely, Mummy Miser
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